


Equilux

by BadVaal



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-29 12:42:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6375160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadVaal/pseuds/BadVaal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short one-shot following events post Trespasser DLC (spoilers alert). Focus on Solas and Lavellan in a non canonic small story to pass time during the wait for DA 4</p>
            </blockquote>





	Equilux

Solas woke up again with a frustrated sigh. It had been weeks since he has seen Lavellan in the Fade for the last time. He grew used to watching her from the shadows, always cautious about not letting himself be seen. But this lack of her presence worried him.

Yet there was not much he could do in the present situation. Solas kicked away the covers made from the thickest of the bear furs which were available and stretched himself, the vertebrae of his neck set back to the place with a faintest of "pops". It had been a long night he reminded himself as his feet carried him outside the tent and to the small campfire which was now barely anything more than a few crimson and flickering embers.

And again, same as the evening before he caught himself starring into the rising fires as his mind started its usual nagging. He felt pain in his heart more profound that anything before. Yet he was also sure that leaving was the best thing to do. He removed the Anchor and she was free to live her life the way she wanted, at least for now. Solas kept repeating this to himself in some vain hope that should he repeat the words enough times he would believe them. _Perhaps in time._

The elf threw another log into the flames and with a sigh seated himself at the side of the campfire his hands outstretched towards the heat to ward off the lingering cold of the autumn night before the morning sun could take over the world. The memory of Lavellan sitting on the floor her hand glowing with the residual energy of the mark and her face a reflection of utter pain and betrayal haunted him again. _Or perhaps it haunted him still_ , he reminded himself that there indeed was no rest for the wicked.

No, it was a good thing, what he has done. For her own benefit. She had no future with him and he would not allow her to join him and let herself fall. Indeed, Solas was determined to prevent that at all cost, no one should after all end up as he himself did.

Yet when several hours later Solas shifted into a slightly more comfortable position and tried to banish his ridiculous thoughts with a bit of breakfast a sudden appearance of a visitor took him entirely by surprise.

"Cole, what are you doing here?" Were the first words the elven apostate uttered upon realizing his former friend sat crossed legged opposite him and with a somber look stared into the flames, the wide rim of his hat half obscuring his face.

"I came because she needs you." Cole replied in his earnest voice and his eyes left the fire and burned instead into Solas' own.

"She? You mean Lavellan?" The sole fact that the spirit was here talking about the Inquisitor was enough for Solas to stand up and walk towards the boy in a brisk stride. He berated himself for such a hasty action and yet he could not help himself, he still cared, perhaps too much but the sped up drumming of his heartbeat was a proof enough.

Cole took in a deep breath his blue eyes unfocused somewhat at the trees behind Solas' shoulder as he continued in his usual, slightly chaotic pattern of speech. " _Trapped._ Everyone gone, abandoned. Cannot go back but no way forward. _Aching, tearing, darkness seeping._ Nightmares, so many faces and voices, _all dead, all my fault._ Never wanted this, too much. Too alone."

"Slow down Cole, _please._ " Solas urged the spirit, took a deep breath and idly ran a palm of his hand over his scalp in a frustrated gesture. So there might be a reason for Lavellan's absence from the Fade after all. "I will need a better explanation. Is she safe?"

"For now. But she is slipping away. She needs you, Solas." The spirit shifted slightly and gazed at the apostate with remorseful eyes full of hurt. "I cannot help her, she cannot remember me anymore. I tried, but I cannot reach her."

"Where is she?" Solas asked simply although his mind was already racing ahead. This was unusual. Lavellan had always been rather fond of Cole and for her to simply forget about him was more than strange. _Aching, tearing, darkness seeping._ Solas quickly recalled the words of the spirit but nothing made sense. Why was she alone? Apparently he neglected the information network for far too long, he needed his strength back yes but right now Solas could see that doing so at the expense of being well informed had been another of his many miscalculations.

"Shining spire of White overlooks the city. Not a prison, not anymore yet hard to leave." Solas drew in a sharp breath at the news and started pacing back and forth. The more he had learned the more he was perplexed and baffled about the whole situation. Why would Lavellan... _no...The Inquisitor_ , Solas reminded himself about the proper title, be in the White Spire? There was no need for her to go and associate herself with a Circle tower.

"Will you help her Solas?" Cole's pleading voice interrupted the elf man's trail of thoughts and Solas stopped his steps for a moment as his grey-blue eyes regarded the spirit who huddled near the fire.

"What exactly is wrong with her Cole?"

"She is not whole. Fading out, her mind draws others in, they want to enter. She holds them for now, but not for long." Cole continued and the pleading expression of his face grew even more in its intensity.

"Wait...are you implying that she might get possessed?" Just as the words parted from Solas' lips the apostate mage quickly went and started gathering his things. If such was true then he had no time to spare. And judging from what he had just heard Lavell...no, the Inquisitor might be facing a _Despair Demon._

"I tried to heal her, tried to make her better. But she cannot forget." The spirit boy hugged his knees as he followed Solas move about the small camp with his gaze..

"It is alright Cole, I am sure you did everything you could. I will speak with my people and see what I can do." Solas forced himself to sound as composed and distant as possible yet the sped up beating of his heart and a slight tremor of his hands betrayed him.

He was a fool. Lavellan was still so young and so many things have been forced on her. _Too many._ No wonder the events of the past years finally took the toll at the Inquisitor. And he pushed her away and left her to deal with all this by herself. _Irresponsible._ He'd sought to protect her and in the end his actions turned things for worse. _Again._

It took Solas three days to organize his agents and secure a help within the White Spire and Val Royeaux. Thankfully his network of Eluvians reached far enough and he made a swift exit out of the shimmering surface of one of the mirrors and found himself in a long forgotten underground ruin, deep within the heart of a thick forest, two days of journey away from the Orlesian capitol.

Just as planned a small leather bag with spare clothing layed hidden in the hollow of the great willow tree near the exit from the ruins and Solas quickly exchanged his armour and pulled on non-descriptive clothes such as most of the elves in the city wore on the daily basis. With a slightly annoyed glance and pursed lips into a thin line he also hid the lack of his hair under the typical elven hat, the flowing fabric provided cover for his ears and half obscured his face, which turned out to be at least somewhat bare-able benefit of this otherwise rather ridiculous outfit.

He would have to leave his staff behind to avoid being exposed as a mage by anyone with a grain of brains but then again, at this point Solas hardly even needed it. His powers were slowly returning and everyday the magic build up within his body grew stronger and more stable. Yet he bore in mind that the best course of action would be to avoid drawing unnecessary attention.

The streets of Val Royeaux brimmed with morning rush as hundreds of people walked through the alleys or lingered at the opened market places and around the wide and sunny boulevards. Solas made his way in a leisurely pace without drawing attention to his person by appearing too hasty. He kept the city's layout firmly in his mind but had to take time to appear purposeful and so he stopped around few kiosk stands which offered varieties of fruits, vegetable and other commodities associated with the autumn. In the end and out of a whim of his heart he purchased a gift, perhaps a small sort of peace offering for Lavellan. After all if his calculations were right, their reunion might not turn out as smoothly as Cole had hoped when he had asked him for the help.

And so with the sun slowly setting behind the tall buildings of the capitol and several servant quarter entrances and corridors later Solas found himself in the middle part of the White Spire and carefully made his way towards the rooms which his spies indicated, belonged to the Inquisitor. Thankfully most of the inhabitants of the Circle were right now attending afternoon classes and so his passage remained unobserved and unobstructed.

When finally his steps carried him to the separate part of the living quarters of the circle tower Solas realized with a small satisfaction that at least the accommodation was worth the Inquisitor. From his agents he knew that her rooms were at the eastern part of the wing and now when the elf found himself before the large and polished double door carved out of dark-red, oak wood he knew exactly that this was the right place.

Unmistaken-ably dalish dream-catcher hung from the top of the door together with few other ornaments crafted from colorful feathers, beads and strings. The same as the Inquisitor hung up on the inner door of her quarters at Skyhold. A tiny flutter of butterflies in his stomach reminded Solas that his composture was nothing more than a well executed facade. He felt nervous about their meeting but he came here with a purpose and he will see to whatever might be wrong with the Inquisitor.

With a deep breath to reassure himself Solas knocked on the door lightly and counted slowly to five while he waited for the answer. But no voice called from behind the door and so he repeated his action but with the same result. To his surprise Solas found out a wave or relief wash over him at the fact that the Inquisitor was away. That might give him more time to get familiar with the surrounding and perhaps find out more about what was going on. And so with his usual confidence the elven mage opened the heavy door and invited himself into the room.

Lavellan's quarters were perhaps half the size of the rooms she used to have at her disposal in Skyhold and the heavy orlesian furniture with overdecorated carvings was in the stark contrast with her own belongings. Solas noticed that her white-wood staff rested against the wall in the corner next to the writing table. By the layer of dust on the weapon she hasn't used it in a while.

The table itself was covered haphazardly with various books and pieces of parchment, which was rather odd as Solas remembered the Inquisitor as an orderly person who thrived to keep her quarters and possessions in place. Opposite the writing desk was a rich looking and large double-bed, the heavy crimson and green sheets were tangled and left hanging over the side. A set of dream-catchers hung from the ceiling over the bed and others were attached to the headboard and a frown appeared on Solas' otherwise calm face.

 _This was not like her._ The nightmares must have been quite bad if she took up on superstitions about amulets in order to protect herself. Lastly his eyes quickly skimmed over the nightstand table which was littered yet with more opened books and various separate parchments as well as a small wooden carving of a wolf. The sentiment made Solas smile despite the sharp pang of pain in his heart. Just when he was about to reach for the wooden statue a creek of the door interrupted him and Solas spun around and came to face to face with the Inquisitor at last.

"Solas?"

Was all she had said. Her body rigid and Solas noticed a tight grip of her fingers on the door handle, her knuckles turning white. But that was not all which drew his attention. Lavellan had lost weight. Her previously petite and narrow frame was now turned into a ghost like built and it was not apparent more anywhere else than on her face. The cheekbones protruded from her emaciated cheeks and dark purple circles were etched under her eyes. A knot of worry formed in Solas' chest and he shifted slightly from foot to foot as he tried to find words in a reply.

"This..is a dream right? I fell asleep in the class hall." Lavellan interrupted the long silence but still refused to move from the door yet her at first surprised look grew now into a thoughtful frown which only accentuated her tired and worn state.

" _Aneth ara, Lethallan._ " Solas replied and for a moment was taken aback by the overwhelming sadness in his own voice. Indeed this meeting will not be easy but he continued. "No, not a dream. I came here because..." Yet that was a problem. If he was truly to help her he needed her to understand and such conversation was better left for a proper time. Not when she faced him half stunned in the middle of the open door.

"I see." Was all that Lavellan had said before she turned around and closed the door then slowly took her steps into the room, the long cloak which layed draped around her shoulder swished lightly against her feet. "Tea?" The Inquisitor gestured towards the small tea pot and set of cups which stood half buried on her table.

" _Lethallan_ I think you remember that I am not very fond of that particular drink." Solas turned slightly and tried to sound casual yet his eyes never left her and he noticed all the little things which haven't been there before. A slightly heavier set of her steps, particularly towards the right leg. Shoulders slumped and tense, her hair was longer but lacked the usual shine.

Lavellan turned to him after his answer, her large green eyes scanned him with a fierce coldness and she reached for the cloak with her right hand and draped it tightly around herself as if she was trying to create a barrier between the two of them.

"Do I remember? Well considering that all you have said to me so far were half truths at best how can I be sure that your dislike for tea was not some elaborate scheme of sorts?"

Any other time Solas would have chuckled at her words. She looked almost glorious in her sarcasm and fury but he was sure that doing such would be most likely interpreted as a mockery and right now he did not have enough favours with her to allow himself a slip. And so the elven apostate only bowed his head slightly in a recognition of her words and lowered his gaze. Solas decided on a calm and held back approach, he will let her seethe for a while until she becomes ready to talk about more pressing issues.

" _Ir abelas, Lethallan_. If it would make you feel better I can share a cup with you."

The Inquisitor turned away from him again and he could hear her draw in a heavy breath before she faced him once more, this time her face slightly calmer. "No...it is alright. Although I admit that watching you cringe at the tea might make up for a small satisfaction."

Solas felt himself stunned for a moment. The words were delivered in a calm acceptance of a situation. He had braced himself for a fire of her anger such as she had displayed in Crestwood yet now she looked more as someone who had accepted everything bad in their lives and had no strength to fight it anymore. And Solas felt even more worried than before.

"Considering that you are here personally should I assume the world is ending soon?" Lavellan continued and with two steps crossed the room towards the bed where she sat down with a relieved sigh and after a moment gestured to the place next to her in a silent invitation. "Lets hear it then."

Solas bowed gently once more in an acceptance of her invitation and joined her at the side of the bed. His hands longed to draw her closer. To wrap her into his embrace protectively and to pretend that nothing wrong has happened between them. Yet he knew better than that and so with a little bit of focus the elven mage forced his hands into his lap before he turned to the side to face the Inquisitor.

"For starters I would like to say, that I am glad to see you Inquisitor." Solas broke the silence and tried for a small reassuring smile.

"Oh? And here I was under the impression that you did not wish to see me again. _Ever."_ Lavellan replied with a stress on the last word which cut into Solas' heart like a dagger.

"I..you are right. I have no excuse for the way with which we have parted." Solas shifted uncomfortably on the bed and out of habit ran the palm of his hand over his head. "But I grew worried. It has been a while since I could sense your presence in the Fade during my own visits. I had feared that something might have happened to you."

Solas could see Lavellan's cheeks pale slightly at his revelation and her eyes shifted the attention towards the myriad of the dream catchers above her head.

"I've had trouble sleeping lately, nothing more. Although I am rather surprised you deemed it necessary for a personal visit, Solas." The Inquisitor replied after a while and once more, perhaps out of a habit, drew her cloak tighter around her shoulders.

" _Lethallan_ of course I do care." The sheer hurt in her voice and gestures made Solas' hand move towards her although he did stop midway it was too late to conceal his movement now and of course Lavellan had noticed. The stormy gaze of her green eyes could pin him down if she wanted to and he was reminded once more about the sheer force which the Inquisitor had over him.

"Well now that you can see I am alright I suppose _you will leave again_." The way she said the last words made Solas' heart ache. It was not a question but barely a statement uttered with a downright acceptance of an unfortunate situation.

"Actually I had hoped that we might spent some time together and...talk." Solas replied humbly and lowered his hand back to his own lap. How he longed to run his fingers over her cheek. The pain of their parting was almost physical now. "You seem troubled if I may say so." He added at last to shift the focus of the conversation towards the reason of his visit.

"Things have been rather complicated lately. And frankly I am not sure what to do with myself anymore." Lavellan said uncomfortably but continued. "Which was the reason why I accepted Vivienne's offer in the first place."

"Ah, is that why you're in the Circle tower Inquisitor?" Solas locked his gaze with hers but just as a few times before Lavellan gave him one of her softest smiles and lowered her head, her eyes focused on the fingers of her right hand.

"After the Exalted Council there was nothing much for me left to do. Everyone has moved on to their own projects, even people who had stayed after we have defeated Corypheaus. Cullen, Cassandra...even Josephine were gone." Her fingers balled into a lose fist and this time Solas did not hesitate and took his chances when he slowly rested his hand over hers, his long and slender fingers took hold of her hand and wrapped around it in an attempt to return some heat into her icy skin.

Lavellan let out a soft sigh at his touch but her hand remained steady where he was holding it, a good indication if Solas could afford a guess. But he let her continue, she seemed like now when the dam of her frustration and feelings craked open she might aswell tell him all that has been bothering her since their last meeting.

"I tried to be strong and move on. For a while I attended the councils with various nobles and kept track of my friends. I was happy at their progress. When Cassandra wrote me a letter about her efforts in rebuilding the Seeker order or when Cullen finally finished repairs of the old hold which would house his future asylum for Templars who wished to fight their addiction. I was glad for them." The Inquisitor shifted slightly and then after a momentary pause moved to sit closer to Solas, as if his presence gave her strength which she had been lacking until now.

"But the letters came scarcer and scarcer as their duties took on. Dorian used to talk with me every evening through the amulet, we confined with each other and planned his moves against the Magisterium. But as his power grew my council was no longer needed as often and now he barely answers back."

Solas stiffened a snort which threatened to escape him at her words. Of course. Humans, so _fickle_ and _quick_ in their actions. He's had no real illusions about the Inquisition's inner circle but he did not expect that everyone would move on and leave her behind. _You are a hypocrite Solas_ , his mind reminded him. And he had to admit that it was true. He himself left her to fend for herself while he pursued his own goals.

"I even wanted to return to my clan for a while, you know?" Lavellan continued with a sad smile on her lips and her large green eyes focused on his own face. "But after you've told me about...well everything...I just could not go back. Not now when I know the truth."

The last revelation made him flinch slightly. He never wanted the knowledge they've shared to be a burden for her. But after hearing the words he had to admit to himself that he did her no favours in correcting everything about the Dalish way of life. He had made her different from her people an act which prevented her from seeking solace with her own kind. _Another one of my countless mistakes._

Another of her soft sighs brought him back from his musings and he realized that she was still gazing at him as if he could offer some miracle and change her situation. _But could he?_ What was possibly there that he could offer. _An occasional visit?_ No that would not do. _Rekindling of their love?_ Perhaps, but in a long run that would make the things even worse. _Take her with him?_ But that would mean she would see him become the ultimate villain and most likely fall herself. Yet at this point there were not many options left.

" _Ir abelas ma vhenan_. I was not here for you." Solas apologized earnestly and lowered his head sadly. He had no idea about how to make things right. The only thing he knew was that she needed to get out of this place. She needed to find something else than confinement into the stone tower for the rest of her life. In order to change the subject slightly Solas gestured with his free hand around the amulets and dream-catchers before he returned his gaze to her once more. "Are you having nightmares, _vhenan_?" The tone of his voice formed the sentence as both a question and a statement and he could see her shift slightly but she did not draw away from him.

"I..." she paused to take a deeper breath before continuing. "Lately I dream about what has happened. I can see all the people which we have killed, Solas. They...sometimes they talk to me. And it is hard to keep telling myself that what we did was for the good. Or that there was no other way." Lavellan hung her head dejectedly and Solas could feel her hand under his fingers tremble slightly.

"You did everything you could _lethallan_. Sometimes it might not seem like enough but it is. After all it was _you_ who defeated Corypheus." Solas leaned in a bit closer and willed his voice to sound supportive. It was hard for him to see the Inquisitor in this state. Always before she had the aura of confidence around her, yet probably, even strong people like her could break from time to time. "You were a brilliant leader and your actions gave people hope and a fighting chance. That you sometimes question yourself makes you an honest one." Solas continued and despite himself and his previous vows he reached out with his free hand and gently couped her cheek with his palm. For a moment he was sure that she would pull away but to his surprise Lavellan leaned in into his touch and closed her eyes with a faintest of sighs.

It was at that moment that Solas remembered a small package in his pocket and to cheer up the mood slightly he slowly withdrew his hand from hers and when she gave him a quizzical look the elven apostate chuckled slightly before replying"Wait _vhenan_ I have something for you which I think you might like."

Solas then pulled back a little bit and reached inside his pocket to produce a small wrapped package which he promptly handed over to Lavellan's hand still resting on her lap. She gave him a curious look her lips forming a tiny smile as she squeezed the gift between her knees and moved on to untie the pink ribbon from it.

It was at that moment that Solas had realized that something was amis as since the moment they've met again he could only see her use her right hand. "Are you hurt?"

The Inquisitor gave him one confused look before she stopped pulling at the ribbon and shook her head. "Hurt? No, why would you ask that?"

Solas shifted his gaze to the package which still layed propped between her knees and gestured with his hand in a manner which should imply the reasoning behind his question. "It is just that this seems like a rather impractical way how to open a package."

Despite his light tone of voice and a clear attempt at a small joke Lavellan's whole body went rigid at his words and the previously won smile disappeared from her lips almost immediately.

"Ah, you don't know then." Was all that the Inquisitor had said before she untied the lace of her cloak and let it fall down from her shoulders.

Solas followed the movement of the fabric as it cascaded down from her form and when his eyes finally reached her left arm, or what was left of it, he drew in a sharp breath when the realization of the truth dawned on him.

Lavellan watched him for reaction but Solas felt his troat suddenly go dry and the lack of air threatened to make his head spin. The Anchor, of course...how could he have been so reckless.

"It is not that bad, I can actually do most of the things now without any problem." He heard her words as if filtered through a layer of water. Solas slowly took the package from her lap and as if in a trance pulled the ribbon free and unwrapped the paper to reveal a small glass jar filled with halved peaches and almonds canned in honey.

" _Ma_ _vhenan_...I had no idea. I am...so sorry." Solas hung his head in the deepest of his apology and felt his heart almost ripped to shreds with the sudden impact of his deed. Had he known that the residual energy from the Anchor would take her arm he would have never left her there, alone and most likely in shock and pain. His act was irreparable. And yet here she was talking with him, even allowing him to touch her. The whole matter suddenly summarized itself in his mind into one terrible sentence. _He had destroyed her life._ All of this was his fault.

"Stay here with me tonight Solas, please." Lavellan suddenly half whispered near his ear and Solas had to blink once as he realized that she had shifted herself meanwhile on the bed and was now sitting almost next to him, her knees touched his and her hand wrapped around his own which still held the glass jar.

She left him speechless just as she had done so many times before and he found no power in himself to deny her request. Those few words spelled him under her charm once more and Solas only nodded wordlessly and slowly put the glass on the floor next to the bed before he leaned closer and wrapped his arms around her in a gentle embrace.

There were not many things that _Fen'Harel_ was afraid of but in that instant he felt as if a tighter squeeze of his hands could shatter this moment and her with it. Solas locked his gaze with hers, studied it for any hidden doubts but found none. _It was different this time._ She knew the truth, there were no false pretenses between them, no taking advantage of the situation. And yet he still hesitated. If he took this one final step with her there would be no way back. As if Lavellan could sense his thoughts she took the lead just as that first time in their shared dream in the Fade, which now had seemed a life time ago, and gently locked her lips with his.

The surging heat of their kiss sent Solas' mind into a confused web of guilt, worry and lust the latter seemed to build up and silence the rest the longer their lips remained together. He felt her shiver slightly under the touch of his hands and when their lips parted for a brief moment Solas noticed a delicate pink-flush colour her cheeks.

She was beautiful even now. And at that moment all the previous perspective which he had held in his heart shifted. He went from feeling guilty about his deceptions to feeling grief over the accepted truth. The urge to push her away changed to a need to protect her and Solas realized that there was no way back now to the lonely wolf which was _Fen'Harel_. She gave him her heart and soul long ago and as he gently layed her onto the satin sheets of her bed and gazed into her emerald-green eyes, Solas finally allowed himself to accept the simplest of truths. _He was in love with her_ with all his being and he would let it _swallow him whole._


End file.
